Slayers SWITCH
by Ryuko-chan
Summary: After a meal of some funny curry, the Slayers find themselves trapped in one another's bodies! How will they get back? Where will they go after? Does Gourry look better in Midnight Blue or Peach Blossom Pink? And what the hell is Xelloss wearing?


All right, this one warrants an explanation, the name that is first, is the body, the name that is second is the person. I know it gets kind of tedious, but when I read this fic over, I realized that I wasn't picturing the different bodies saying this or that or doing this or that, I saw the person I had mentioned. I know it's annoying, but deal.  
  
Slayers SWITCH  
  
Lina Inverse groaned. She blinked up at the clear dusky sky and moaned. This moan seemed a bit strange to Lina, so she lay quietly and tried to remember what had happened. They had all gone to that tiny restaurant, and ordered the night's specialty. Lina was a little surprised at the outfitting of the couple that ran it. They looked like royalty. She wasn't exactly sure, but one was wearing a long red dress and a crown, and the other was wearing an awfully complicated outfit. The food had come, something called curry, and they tried some. That's where Lina's memory gave out. She groaned again, dismissing the oddness of the sound as a result of the explosion, and sat up. She looked around her to see.. What? She stood very quickly. It was her own body!  
  
"Am I dead?" she said out loud. Then her eyes widened and she clapped her hands over her mouth. That wasn't her voice! She blinked in horror at the hands that she had clapped over her own, er, the mouth she was currently using. They were a muted blue, "I-I-I'm ZEL!" she shouted, in Zel's voice. At the mention of that name, her body sat up. It blinked confusedly for a moment, then saw her face. Its eyes widened, and it stood.  
  
"Uh." it said confusedly. It looked down at its hands. The right hand went to the waist, gripping for a sword that wasn't there. Then it spoke, "I'm human?" it said, utterly confused. Zel/Lina breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"ZEL!" she said, "I was afraid it might be Gourry." She finished in relief, forgetting for a moment that she was in deep deep doo. Lina/Zel blinked at her, a little off balance, as he wasn't used to blows to the head actually hurting him.  
  
"Naniyo?" he said confusedly. Zel/Lina sweatdropped.  
  
"Uh, you are Zel, right?" she said. Lina/Zel blinked. He shook his head to clear it. Then he smiled faintly.  
  
"Actually, at this point in time, you're Zel." He said. Zel/Lina sweatdropped again.  
  
"Anyway." she said, taking the fact that she was male and not entirely human really well, "Where's everyone else?" she asked, scratching her head. She stopped when she realized It didn't really make much of a difference. They wandered over past the ruins of the eatery, and saw the unconscious bodies of Gourry and Amelia there. Of course, Zel/Lina and Lina/Zel weren't in top condition at this point in time, so Zel/Lina went over to Gourry's body, and Lina/Zel went over to Amelia's body. Zel/Lina shook Gourry's body.  
  
"Gourry, Gourry, wake up!" she said. 'Gourry' opened his eyes. He rubbed his forehead. Then he looked at Zel/Lina.  
  
"Mr. Zelgadis?" he said. Zel/Lina's eyes widened. Meanwhile, Lina/Zel was shaking Amelia gently (You see, THAT'S how you wake people up, Zel) And 'she' awoke with a start, leaping up to her feet in surprise.  
  
"What happened?" Amelia, er, Amelia/Gourry called. His eyes snapped to Lina/Zel, "LINA! Are you all right?" he asked. Lina/Zel blinked. Then he sweatdropped and backed away.  
  
"Er," he said. Meanwhile again, Gourry/Amelia was staring at her body in shock. She turned her head to Zel/Lina, and then fainted. Amelia/Gourry noticed. He walked over to her, blinking confusedly. He glanced at Zel/Lina, opening his mouth. Zel/Lina nodded. He pointed. Zel/Lina shrugged. He scratched his head. Zel/Lina crossed her arms. Lina/Zel sighed.  
  
*Isn't it amazing how they can talk without words?* he thought. Amelia/Gourry frowned.  
  
"Hey, Zel, do we know this guy?" he asked. Zel/Lina collapsed. Amelia/Gourry frowned again, "He looks sort of familiar, Kinda? Is this that Vrumugan guy?" he asked. Zel/Lina got up, and growled.  
  
"THAT'S YOU, YOU IDIOT!!!!!" she shouted, elbowing him in the head. Though Zel/Lina doesn't know her own strength, even in her own body, she didn't even have an inkling of her strength in this body. Amelia/Gourry dropped like a rock, and stayed down. Though Amelia's head is as hard as a rock, it wasn't used to twenty pounds of golem-demon-human arm coming down at it at thirty miles an hour. Needless to say, he wasn't getting up anytime soon. Zel/Lina sighed.  
  
"So, what now.." She said, still a little jolted to hear Zel's voice saying what she was just about to say. Lina/Zel shrugged.  
  
"We either carry them, or wait until they wake up.." Zel/Lina smiled.  
  
"Ok, Zel, you carry them!" she said. Lina/Zel gave her a Look, and held up his arms. Zel/Lina smiled a neko smile.  
  
"Right, I forgot, so, we um.. Just leave them here for now, we still have to find Xelloss, and Filia." She reminded him. He nodded, then frowned, a little disturbed by the flopping of long wavy red hair at his back. He sighed.  
  
"Maybe Xelloss will know of a way to get us out of this mess.." He said.  
  
Meanwhile, in a tall tree just a few meters away...  
  
Xelloss Metallium, a mazoku only one level below the dark lord Zellas Metallium, woke up with a giggling groan. He had known that the 'curry' was explosive, there was just an aura about it, a feeling he got from the astral pla- Wait one moment, speaking of feelings from the astral plane, Xelloss wasn't getting any right now. He sat up, shaking his head. All at once he noticed something wrong. The astral aura he felt around himself was too. he looked down. There was a moment where Xelloss was shocked, appalled, frightened, and angry. That moment ended in a time span shorter than Eddie Murphy's singing career. He smiled.  
  
"YESSSS!!!" he shouted, in a very feminine voice. His blonde locks bounced, along with other parts of him. His eyes traveled to his own unconscious body, lying lengthwise across a tree branch. He glanced down at his own chest, and giggled. Then he glanced down and giggled again. He snatched his staff from his body's hand, and grinned.  
  
"This is cause for celebration!" he shouted, raising it into the air, he concentrated, and a golden light enveloped his body.  
  
Meanwhile..  
  
"Damn! This is heavy!" Lina/Zel fumed, "I'm just not used to such a weak body!" he griped. Zel/Lina frowned.  
  
"Hey!" she shouted, "That's my body, you know!" Lina/Zel grimaced, carrying Amelia/Gourry across his shoulders. Zel/Lina stuck out her tongue at him. Lina/Zel sweatdropped. He held one hand out to her in entreaty.  
  
"Please don't do things like that, It's almost scary, seeing your body do something, that you know you'd never do." he said. Zel/Lina gave him a sly smile. She dumped Gourry/Amelia's heavy blonde mercenary body on the floor next to her, unbuttoned Zel's cloak and cowl, dropped it to the ground and began to dance,  
  
"I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexay it hurts! I'm too sexy for my pants." she sang. Lina/Zel freaked out.  
  
"STOP THAT STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!" he shrieked. Zel/Lina ignored him.  
  
". And I'll do my little dance on the catwalk, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, YEAH! I'll shake my little butt on the catwalk!" Zel/Lina said. She grinned, and threw off Zel's shirt, clapping and grooving to the beat. Lina/Zel growled, and attacked. (HOW'S THAT FOR ALL YOU ZEL FANS!!! ::all cheer::)  
  
"That's it, FIRE-BALL!!!!!" he shouted, and the fireball impacted, sending Zel/Lina down to her back. She growled.  
  
"OW! What in the world did you do that for???" she asked. Lina/Zel rolled his eyes upward innocently.  
  
"I don't know, Lina, I suppose being in your body makes it catching." he murmured. Zel/Lina growled. She gathered up Zel's discarded clothes, and returned them to Zel's body. Meanwhile, Gourry/Amelia sat up, rubbing her big blonde mercenary head. She looked at her big blonde mercenary hand.  
  
"AHHH!!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!!" she shouted in a screech that pierced even her own cracked skull. Amelia/Gourry sat up, rubbing his throbbing head.. or rather, Amelia's throbbing head. Zel/Lina rushed over to Gourry/Amelia, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking, for she had screamed after she made that statement, and not stopped. Gourry/Amelia stopped screaming, and Zel/Lina stopped shaking, giving Gourry/Amelia a LOOK.  
  
"How can you get Gourry's voice to go that high??" she asked confusedly. Gourry/Amelia frowned.  
  
"Gee, I don't know." she said. Zel/Lina took this moment of confusion as an opportunity.  
  
"Okay, Amelia, we've all switched bodies, I'm Lina.." she said. Gourry/Amelia blinked, she blinked again.. and then she blinked once again, just for good measure.. She opened her mouth and..  
  
"NA-NI-YO???????" she bellowed. Lina/Zel sweatdropped.  
  
"Amelia, may I introduce you to Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis." he said, pointing to each of them in turn. Amelia/Gourry frowned.  
  
"Funny, I don't look at all like Gourry.." he said. Zel/Lina growled, and Amelia/Gourry's eyes widened.  
  
"Whoa," he said, "It's not funny when Lina does that, but when Zel does that it's really scary!" he shouted. Lina/Zel sweatdropped.  
  
"Thank you." He said. Gourry/Amelia looked down at her big ol' mercenary Gourry musclebound body.  
  
"And, I'm, Mr. Gourry." She said haltingly. She jumped up, "I look too much like Mr. Gourry!" she announced, running off to where their things had landed. The rest sweatdropped, all but Amelia/Gourry.  
  
"We KNOW." they said in unison. Amelia/Gourry frowned.  
  
"She does look like me.." he said, blinking. Lina/Zel whispered to Zel/Lina.  
  
"You know, he's dumb, but he's not usually THIS dumb." he said. Zel/Lina nodded.  
  
"Yeah, he must have been hit a little too hard on the head." She said. Lina/Zel gave her a skeptical look.  
  
"And whose fault is THAT?" he demanded, acting a little too much like Lina. Zel/Lina smiled twistedly. She put her fingers to her forehead.  
  
"Gee, I guess I got a little carried away.." she said, a feral grin on her face. Lina/Zel gave her the death look. Just then, Gourry/Amelia burst out of the bushes wearing the Lala-chan dress, all pink and frilly, with the little bow.  
  
"Now I feel much better!" she said. Amelia/Gourry jumped.  
  
"NOOO!!" he shouted, finally jolted from his tar-pit mind stupor, "ALWAYS WILL THIS HAUNT ME!!!!" he screamed. He collapsed, mumbling, "The frills, the frills are after me.." Zel/Lina and Lina/Zel sweatdropped.  
  
"Methinks he's had more than one bad dream about that dress.." Lina/Zel said.  
  
"I would, too." Zel/Lina said, nodding.  
  
"Maybe that's why the boys at Femille kept thinking you were a guy.." he said. Zel/Lina shot him a LOOK.  
  
"Yeah, but at least I didn't fall in love with one of them.." She said, ignoring the spreading blush on her own face, right in front of her, "Besides, right now I am a guy." She said. Then her face lit up, "HEY, and you're a girl! You know what that means." she said. Lina/Zel growled out a strangled,  
  
"What?" Zel/Lina smiled.  
  
"You could make a lot of YAOI fans really happy right now." She said, "IF, we could ever find Xelloss." Just then, a flash of light was emitted from a nearby tree, and Lina/Zel and Zel/Lina ran over to investigate. There, standing and shaking his, er, her, groove thing, was Filia. Wearing a dominatrix outfit. and, she was singing.  
  
"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there!" Filia swung Xelloss' staff down and grinned.  
  
"Hi, guys.." s/he said. Zel/Lina gave him a po'ed look.  
  
"Xelloss?" she said, pointing a finger at him. In response, He lifted up his own unconscious head, and grinned.  
  
"Aren't I kawaii?" he said.  
  
"That answers that question." Lina/Zel said, massaging his temples with his fingers. Suddenly, Xelloss' body woke up.  
  
"I-" Xelloss/Filia started, the turned to see her own body, and screamed. Filia/Xelloss smiled, waved, and pulled a steaming hot pot of tea and a cup from some obscure place under his nonexistent skirts. He smiled a self-satisfied smile.  
  
"You know, I always wondered where you kept this thing.." he sighed contentedly, and readjusted his position on the branch, "Now.. I know." He said. Filia gasped.  
  
"YOU PERVERT!" she screamed. Needless, again, to say, it was something that sounded really really odd coming from Xelloss' mouth. Lina/Zel and Zel/Lina exchanged glances, once they realized that it was their own glances that they were inspecting, they exchanged back, and looked at Filia/Xelloss, who was suddenly hanging from the tree, pinned to the trunk by his neck. He, though he was being choked to death, was smiling.  
  
"You ought to stop this, priestess.." he advised, "You're killing your own body.." he said, smiling, unFilialike. Xelloss/Filia gasped, and dropped the still-dominatrix-y Filia/Xelloss to the ground, where he rubbed his barely covered bum.  
  
"NO! I've become what I've always despised!" Xelloss/Filia screamed, "AND I CAN'T KILL HIM!!!" she said, pointing to a smugly grinning version of herself. Filia/Xelloss sipped his tea, smiled, then went back to sipping his tea.  
  
Meanwhile, not really too far away, but totally oblivious...  
  
"How does peach blossom pink look on me?" Gourry/Amelia asked. Amelia/Gourry nodded.  
  
"Great! How about midnight blue on me?" he asked, as Gourry/Amelia did his nails.  
  
"Beautiful! It really complements my eyes and hair.." Gourry/Amelia said.  
  
"Yeah, just what I was thinking, and the pink brings out the color in my cheeks.." Amelia/Gourry said. Well, obviously Gourry was getting in touch with his feminine side.. Who wants that? Back to the regular plot.  
  
Zel/Lina and Lina/Zel turned away from that touching, er, disturbing scene, and back to the task at hand.  
  
"So, Xelloss, how can we change back?" Zel/Lina asked. Filia/Xelloss shrugged.  
  
"I don't know! Quite honestly, I'm fine with this." He said. Xelloss/Filia growled angrily.  
  
"You won't be so fine when you have to start being a priestess!" she shouted. Filia/Xelloss smiled down on her.  
  
"I'm planning on bringing it down from the inside." He said simply. Xelloss/Filia growled, and jumped up onto the tree branch, attempting to beat Filia/Xelloss senseless. Zel/Lina and Lina/Zel shrugged.  
  
"So, we'll have to do it ourselves then, ne?" Zel/Lina said. Lina/Zel nodded.  
  
"I suppose," he said. They both turned towards Amelia and Gourry, and sweatdropped. They were now styling each other's hair.  
  
"Oh, man, this bun looks so cute on you, I should pay more attention to my hair, though, I'm getting split ends." Amelia/Gourry said. Zel/Lina grabbed them both, and ran off.  
  
"Oh, boy, now I'm gonna go have fun with my new body!" Filia/Xelloss said, grinning. Xelloss/Filia gasped.  
  
"Don't you dare!" she said. Ineffectually, as Filia/Xelloss transformed into a dragon.. *Gasp* In front of the world, and flew off, giving Xelloss/Filia a raspberry. Xelloss/Filia stomped her foot in a very un-Xelloss-y way. She growled, and thought out loud.  
  
"Well, if he's going to go off and give me a bad reputation.. Maybe I could do something to ruin his reputation.." she smiled, "Ja, Xelloss-chan, I'm going off to visit your mistress!" Filia/Xelloss suddenly came back, face pale.  
  
"You wouldn't dare!" he challenged. Xelloss/Filia smiled, secure that she had him on the run.  
  
"Watch me." she said, smiling. And, smiling, she warped out, just as Filia/Xelloss swung his staff where she had been. Xelloss/Filia suddenly realized something. She came back.  
  
"I need something.." she said. Filia/Xelloss changed back to human form.  
  
"Might it perhaps be. this?" Xelloss/Filia gasped as Filia/Xelloss held up her mace-sama. Xelloss/Filia growled.  
  
"Give me that!" She said, reaching. Filia/Xelloss drew it from her grasp deftly.  
  
"Ah ah ah!" He said. She suddenly grew mad, and swiped it from his hand in a lightning fast motion, "Damn!" Filia/Xelloss swore, "Stupid ryuzoku reflexes!" he said. Filia stuck her tongue out at him, and pulled down her eyelid. She warped out, smiling. Filia/Xelloss panicked.  
  
"Crap crap crap crap crap! Oh, crap! Crap! Did I mention crap!" He made to transform into a dragon, then realized, "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE FROM HERE!" he screamed, whinily.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"Ow, Lina, ow ow, you're hurting me!" Amelia/Gourry protested. Lina/Zel brought his face close to Gourry's own. He frowned.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you, Gourry. I'm not LINA! I'm ZELGADIS!" he growled through his teeth. Gourry blinked.  
  
"Oh, and I'm Amelia.." he said, pointing to Amelia.  
  
"Mr. Gourry, I'm not you, you're me! I'm me!" she said. Zel/Lina blinked.  
  
"And, Zel's me, and I'm Zel." She said, nodding. Lina/Zel shook his head.  
  
"No, Gourry's right, Amelia, you're him." He said to Gourry/Amelia, who stared blankly at him. Amelia/Gourry smiled.  
  
"Hey, and now you look like me!" he said. Gourry/Amelia blinked.  
  
"Mr. Gourry! I don't look like you!" she said, holding up the prissy Lala-chan dress.  
  
"Actually, you do, you ARE him after all." Zel/Lina said, "And you look like he did when we dressed him up like a girl." Gourry/Amelia stomped her foot.  
  
"I do not! I look like me, I'm just in Gourry's body, so, yeah!" she said, now totally confused. Lina/Zel blinked. (That last part was just to confuse anyone who even remotely thought they had this all straight.)  
  
"Soo, what you are saying is that, you look like you, but Gourry looks like you, so now, even though you still look like you, you now look like Gourry, and that means that you're you, you're just in Gourry's body." He said. Gourry/Amelia thought about it, then nodded, "And that's supposed to make a difference in how you look?" he asked. Gourry/Amelia nodded.  
  
"Well, I think that I look more feminine than Mr. Gourry does." She said, with a little toss of her hips. Zel/Lina considered that.  
  
"So, what, does that make me look like Zel, except for a girl?" she said. Lina/Zel sweatdropped. Gourry/Amelia glanced at her.  
  
"Well, take a few steps for me." She said. Zel/Lina walked back and forth. She stopped, and gave Gourry/Amelia a quizzical look. Gourry/Amelia shook her head.  
  
"No, you walk just as feminine as Mr. Zelgadis did when he was dressed up as a girl." She said. Zel/Lina growled.  
  
"You mean I'm not more feminine than Zel? That's unspeakable!" she shouted. Lina/Zel blinked.  
  
"How do you think it is for me?" he said. Zel/Lina shrugged.  
  
"I don't know.. It's not like your missing anything.." she said, "Except for now, you are." Ignoring that subtle jibe on his 'manhood' Lina/Zel thought about their current predicament, which was more then anyone else was doing.  
  
"Maybe, if the first explosion changed our personalities, the second would change them back." He pondered out loud. Zel/Lina nodded.  
  
"But, we don't know how to make that 'curry' stuff, and if we did, we couldn't do it magically." She said. Lina/Zel nodded.  
  
"Yes, but, who do we know that can cook poisonous food really well?" he said, smiling. Zel/Lina clapped her hands.  
  
"Xelloss, of course, I bet he could do it! But, he likes the new arrangement, how will we make him change his mind?" she asked rhetorically. Just then, Filia/Xelloss winged into their general vicinity, screaming,  
  
"No, stop her, do something!" when he had settled down enough for them to get an answer out of him, he told them that, "Filia's gone off to see my mistress, and she'll ruin my entire reputation!!! I'll become the laughingstock of mazoku social circles!! It'll be Dynast, talking with his high level followers and saying 'Yeah, hear about that Xelloss Metallium, I hear he's gone all sweet and kind, in fact, I saw him help a little child cross the street just a little while ago. Yep, he's sure become the model of what NOT to be' " he blinked at their various states of nonattention, and screamed once again.  
  
Meanwhile.. on a little known island, with a mansion.  
  
"So, I said to the little girl, you had the power within you all the time, all you had to do was clack your heels together, and say, 'there's no place like home'" Xelloss/Filia was saying, over a cup of warm tea. Zellas' eyes were wide, and she was blinking at Xelloss/Filia like she had the plague.  
  
"You, what?" she asked. Xelloss/Filia nodded, smiling.  
  
"Oh, and do you remember that ryuzoku, Filia ul copt? Well, lately I just realized how dashingly beautiful she is, and how much I just love her. Her eyes, her hair, her lovely endowments, I forgot why I ever hated mazoku the moment I met her." Xelloss/Filia said, stars in her eyes. Zellas was on the verge of jumping from her own window.  
  
"Xelloss! What's the matter with you?" she asked. Xelloss/Filia blinked, and smiled.  
  
"Why, nothing, I've just realized that being a mazoku isn't fun anymore.. In fact, what I really want to be.. is a ballerina!" She then jumped up, doing a plie, and jumping around. Zellas backed up against the wall, blinking.  
  
"Xelloss, I knew you were a fruitcake, I just never knew how fruity!" she mumbled under her breath, covering her eyes with her perfectly manicured hand. Xelloss/Filia was still jetteing all over the room, when Zellas realized something.  
  
"You said you had hated mazoku. Didn't you mean ryuzoku?" she said. Xelloss/Filia blinked.  
  
"Yeah, ryuzoku.. I. Hate. ryuzoku." She said haltingly. Zellas made a face.  
  
"Hmm." she said. Xelloss/Filia smiled.  
  
"Heh heh heh.. Um, I should go back to bothering Lina, shouldn't I?" she asked. She laughed a few times, and warped out. Zellas blinked, and sighed.  
  
"Maybe I should make myself a new high level follower." she mumbled.  
  
Meanwhile, near the ruins of a diner, which smelled suspiciously of curry, Gourry in a frilly dress was patting a crying and dressed like a dominatrix Filia, while Zel and Lina stood aside and sweatdropped, and Amelia stared blankly at the sky. It was a touching scene. (You had to be there) Suddenly, Xellos/Filia reappeared.  
  
"Ohayo!" she said brightly. Filia/Xelloss sniffed, and sat up,  
  
"There you are!" he shouted, "What did you do, what did you say to her??" he said. Xelloss/Filia blinked, smiled, and then grinned.  
  
"That." she said, smiling, "Is a secret." Filia/Xelloss growled, banged his hands against the ground, and started to cry again. Lina/Zel and Zel/Lina exchanged glances, and Zel/Lina said.  
  
"Is it just me, or is it getting harder to tell the difference between them?" she said. Lina/Zel shook his head.  
  
"No, I know exactly whose who." He said, "That," he said, pointing to Filia/Xelloss, "Is a very distraught ryuzoku, and that," he said, pointing to Xelloss/Filia, "Is a superior and secretive mazoku." He said. Amelia/Gourry groaned,  
  
"Have we switched back yet?" he asked. Zel/Lina sweatdropped.  
  
"Check." She said. Gourry, for lack of a better way to check, stuck his hand down his shirt. Gourry/Amelia screeched.  
  
"OH MY GOD, MR. GOURRY! STOP THAT, EWWW!!" she said, jumping over and slapping him upside her own face.  
  
"Ow." He said, rubbing his cheek. Zel/Lina blinked.  
  
"What did you do that for?" she asked. Gourry/Amelia turned to her, irate.  
  
"HE WAS FEELING ME UP!!" she shouted indignantly.  
  
"Actually," Lina/Zel said, "Technically he was feeling himself up." Amelia/Gourry blinked.  
  
"Haven't we already had this conversation?" he asked. Zel/Lina threw her hands up.  
  
"Finally, he says something intelligent!" she shouted. She sweatdropped, then went over to Filia/Xelloss, "Xelloss?" she said sweetly, and Lina/Zel cringed, "Could you please, please try and reproduce that magical curry?" Filia/Xelloss ceased his crying and blinked. He stood up, cradling his staff and trying to regain his composure. He 'ahem'ed into his hand. Er, Filia's hand.  
  
"I suppose I could." he murmured, thinking, "But I'd need some of that curry spice, junk." He said. All of a sudden, an elephant rumbled by in the background.  
  
"Maybe you two should go find some." Zel/Lina said, "You're the most. versatile." She said. Xelloss/Filia and Filia/Xelloss glared at each other, growling.  
  
"Doesn't look like they'll do it." Amelia/Gourry said. Just then, Lina/Zel got an idea. He sidled up to Lina, winked, and said overly loudly,  
  
"Yeah, I bet you anything that Filia will find it first." He said. Zel/Lina blinked, smiled and replied overly loudly,  
  
"No, Filia is not as fast as Xelloss, I bet you he finds it first." She said. Amelia/Gourry blinked, smiled and said,  
  
"No way, Xelloss is now in Filia's body, she'll find it way first." He said. Filia/Xelloss and Xelloss/Filia blinked at each other, and then looked at the others. Xelloss/Filia looked at them, blinked, and said,  
  
"If you guys think that old trick will work." she said. Filia/Xelloss blinked at her.  
  
"You're right." He said. Filia/Xelloss transformed into a dragon, and flew off, giving Xelloss/Filia a raspberry. She growled, then warped after him. Lina/Zel sighed in relief, and so did Zel/Lina. They looked at each other.  
  
"What do we do until they've found it?" Lina/Zel asked. Zel/Lina shrugged, then her eye, (Well, technically Zel's eye, but we don't want to get into that conversation again!) was caught by a rectangular box in the rubble of the decimated diner. Amelia vaguely wondered where the royal patrons had gone.  
  
"What's this?" Zel/Lina asked out loud. She dug the box out from the rubble and noted the name on it. It read, Bishonen-opoly, for drooling otakus everywhere, "I suppose, if we have nothing else to do.." she said. (By the way, Bishonen-opoly is a real game, a product of a combination of me and my otaku friend, a make your own monopoly board, lots of tape and pictures, and wayyyy too much time on our hands)  
  
Meanwhile, above a herd of rampaging elephants..  
  
"Xelloss, what are we going to do about this, I think that one's going to try hang gliding again!" Xelloss/Filia shouted, pointing up to a high cliff, where an elephant strapped on goggles, and backed up. Filia/Xelloss shrugged, nearly losing control of the glide.  
  
"I don't know, I suppose we're probably not on the right track!" he said. Xelloss/Filia growled, and hit him on the head with her mace.  
  
"I know that, Namagomi, but how do we get on the right track?" she asked. Filia/Xelloss shrugged, then stuck his tongue out at Xelloss/Filia.  
  
"Maybe you should use your new much-loved mazoku powers to find it!" he said. She growled.  
  
"Maybe you should use your new ryuzoku powers!" she said. They growled at each other, and then Xelloss/Filia crossed her arms in mid-air, "That's all right, at least I'm not ruined forever in my home. I could still go back." She said. Filia/Xelloss smiled an evil Xelloss smile.  
  
"You can, can you?" he asked. Then he swerved in the general direction of the shrine of the fire dragon king. Xelloss/Filia was too busy dodging sky diving elephants to notice.  
  
Meanwhile, still near the vaguely curry-scented diner, and the randomly odd board game, Gourry, Amelia, Lina, and Zel circled around it, and Zel/Lina rolled the dice.  
  
"Yess! A seven! That means I've got Miki gardens, and the entire east side! HA HA HA! I'm winning!" she shouted. Everyone else sweatdropped. Guardedly Gourry/Amelia rolled the dice.  
  
"Oh, crap." She said. Zel/Lina smiled.  
  
"HA!" she said, "You've landed on Dios Drive, that's mine, eight hundred dollars please." Gourry/Amelia forked over the dough, while Lina/Zel rolled. He landed on free parking. He sighed with relief.  
  
"Oh, don't sigh in relief so soon!" Zel/Lina shouted, "Sooner or later you'll end up on my properties, and then!" she made various 'plane being shot down noises' Amelia/Gourry sighed.  
  
"I don't think it's very fair, playing this game with Lina! She was raised by merchants for crying out loud! Besides, she has uncanny luck!" he said, crossing his arms in an all too Amelia-like way.  
  
"Oh, you guys are such sore losers. Besides, I don't have every property, just the east side and part of the west! Zel's got himself!" she said, pointing to Lina/Zel.  
  
"That's about all I've got!" he shouted. She sighed. Well, now that I've bored you with the finer points of Bishonen-opoly, I'll get back to where the real action is.  
  
Meanwhile, near the multicolored spires of Lina's beautiful shrine design.  
  
"WHAAAT???" Xelloss/Filia shouted, "HOW DID WE GET HERE??" she questioned impotently. Filia/Xelloss shrugged.  
  
"Oh, I don't know. wrong turn? I think if anyone would know where a fabled magical spice would be, it would be the golden dragons. Besides, I bet your family would love to see you like this!" he said brightly. She glowered.  
  
"I'm not going in there, looking like this, and you'd better not say anything to them, or I swear to ceipheed, I'll-" he stopped her.  
  
"You'll what?" She grinned.  
  
"I'll tell your master that I'm having your love-child." She sneered. He gasped.  
  
"You wouldn't!" he said, "It would ruin you as much as me!"  
  
"A small price to pay, Namagomi." She challenged him. Under that forceful bribe. Okay, blackmail, Xelloss had no choice but to go and ask the elders if they knew where to find some curry.  
  
"Excuse me, Sir Elders, I was just wondering if perhaps by any chance you had ever heard of, or know where to find some of this fabled spice known as curry." That's what Filia would have said. What Xelloss actually ended up saying was more along the lines of,  
  
"Hey, Old dragon guys, I need the 411 on a spice called curry, can you hook me up with some, if you know of the brutha?" That's what my sources tell me, anyway. The elders raised their collective eyebrow at Filia's new vocabulary, but most of all, her new outfit. (All except that Gurlidias, he's sort of an ecchi.) The supreme elder blinked, opened his mouth, thought better of it, and then said,  
  
"You want some curry?" he asked, confused.  
  
"Uh, yeah." Filia/Xelloss said, confused. Of course, he hadn't expected them to actually have some.  
  
"Ok, if, it'll get you out of here. We're very old, a nosebleed could be fatal to some of us. Except Gurlidias, but that's a different story." They walked with the puzzled Filia/Xelloss to the entrance, grimacing at Lina's overly flamboyant design. They handed him a small bag with red powder in it, which smelled, coincidentally, just like the ruins of the diner where they had been. Just about then, stupidly, Xelloss/Filia appeared.  
  
"Did you get it?" she asked. The elders were amazed, but less so than by the outfit.  
  
"XELLOSS!" they shouted. Xelloss/Filia blinked, then 'eep'ed, and tried to run away, but Filia/Xelloss caught her first.  
  
"Oh, yeah, you guys all know Xelloss Metallium, the beastmaster? Yeah, he's just my best friend now, In fact, I'm in love with him, I remember saying just a few minutes ago something about having his love child." Filia/Xelloss smiled sweetly, and gave Xelloss/Filia a kiss on the lips. Xelloss/Filia gasped, coughed, and gasped again,  
  
"No! No it isn't true!" she said. The elders blinked, blinked again, then blinked once more, for good measure. Then they shuffled into the building, hoping that it was maybe a side effect of their old guy pills. Xelloss/Filia sighed in relief.  
  
"So, love, let's go back, eh?" Filia/Xelloss said. Xelloss/Filia stomped her foot angrily.  
  
"If you EVER, EVER call me LOVE EVER AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY SEE TO IT THAT YOU HAVE NO OFFSPRING!" she growled.  
  
"Not even your love child?" he inquired innocently. Ki fires blazed around her, but she realized that if he was in his own body, he'd be enjoying it, so she calmed.  
  
"Let us never mention that particular subject ever again, OK?" She said forcefully. He smiled.  
  
"Oh, but it's so fun!" he protested. She growled and caught him by the nonexistant collar.  
  
"NEVER AGAIN." She said. He nodded. They set off for the exploded diner.  
  
Meanwhile, by the aforementioned exploded diner, and a dragonslaved board game.  
  
"HEY! What did you do that for, Zel, I was winning!" Zel/Lina protested, hands on hips. Lina/Zel innocently shrugged.  
  
"Oh, I don't know, the compulsion to blow things up just came over me, and it was too hard to resist. I don't know how you can stand it when these urges come over you Lina!" he said, blinking. Amelia/Gourry blinked,  
  
"She doesn't, she just blows something up!" He shouted. Zel/Lina growled,  
  
"You make it sound like I'm some sort of violent monster!" she said. Gourry/Amelia was silent, which was odd for her. She was thinking. She decided to voice her thought.. Stupidly.  
  
"Hey, you know what?" she said, "This would be the worst possible time for anyone to attack us." She announced. Just then, unexpectedly, (yeah, right)  
  
"LINA! I will take my revenge for Gaav's death out on you, right now!" Valgaav shouted. He was just about to blow a bunch of stuff up, as he usually does, when he realized how odd they looked. He pointed at Gourry/Amelia, who was making to cast a spell, until she realized that she couldn't, and threw Amelia/Gourry his sword of light. He swiped with it at Valgaav, who, still puzzled, dodged, blinked, scratched his head, pointed at Lina/Zel, pointed at Zel/Lina, was totally confused, and then became angry.  
  
"All right, I don't really know what's going on around here, so I'll just kill the first person who attacks me." he said out loud. They all blinked, staring at him. None moved. He sweatdropped, "Aw, dammit, come on! Attack me someone!" Gourry/Amelia was busily holding Amelia/Gourry back, else he would run into the fray, and doubtless get her body killed.  
  
"Look, Mr. Gourry, I don't want my body killed before we get put back together, OK?" she said. Amelia/Gourry nodded. None of them moved.  
  
"Well, at least it can't get any worse." Zel/Lina muttered. Right about then it started to rain. Lina/Zel sweatdropped,  
  
"Oh, nice going.." he said. Just then, Gourry got an idea. (I don't know whether to cheer, or run and hide.)  
  
"Zel, get him!" he shouted. They both blinked at him, then they got it. Lina/Zel jumped and FIRE-BALL-ed Valgaav while he was expecting it from Zel/Lina. He screamed, pouted, got very confused again, then threw his hands up in disgust and warped away.  
  
"Well, that was a treat!" Zel/Lina shouted, "Keep your thoughts to yourself, Amelia!" she shouted again. Just about then, Filia/Xelloss flew up, changed into human form, held up a bag of curry, and smiled. Of course, he was still wearing the dominatrix outfit, and everyone was a little confused as to why Filia hadn't made him get some clothes on, but then they shrugged, and went back to the story.  
  
"Now, as for the cooking part, I'm gonna need some pots, pans, a fire, and all sorts of other things." Zel/Lina sweatdropped, and ran up to Filia/Xelloss, grabbing him by his, once again, nonexistent collar.  
  
"And you can get all those things really quickly, right?" she questioned. He nodded, swallowing, "good." She said. Just then, Filia warped there. Her, or rather, Xelloss' eyes were red, and she was panting really hard. She seemed to be foaming at the mouth. Filia/Xelloss turned to her, blinking.  
  
"You're getting my eyes all red and ruining my cute exterior, stop it!" he said. She pushed Zel/Lina away from Xelloss' nonexistent collar, and grabbed onto it herself.  
  
"JUST GET THE STUPID CURRY MADE, SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY BODY, AND WE CAN GO ON OUR WAY, OK?" she said. Filia/Xelloss swallowed again, and nodded. Xelloss/Filia threw him aside with a flick of her wrist. He crumpled to the ground. Zel/Lina swallowed.  
  
"Hey, Filia, calm down.. What happened?" she asked. Filia turned to her, still panting and foaming a bit.  
  
"NOTHING." she said, "NOTHING AT ALL." she said, still growling. It was at this time that Gourry/Amelia decided to make herself useful.  
  
"Filia-san, would you like some tea?" she asked. Filia brightened, and Gourry/Amelia poured her a cup. She gulped it down, and asked for another. Gourry/Amelia handed her the pot, and when she was finished, she glided over to the rest, smiling.  
  
"How were you four while we were gone?" she asked sweetly. Zel/Lina blinked,  
  
"How did you know to do that?" she asked Gourry/Amelia, who smiled.  
  
"There are a lot of caffeine addicts in my family," she explained, "I can recognize the symptoms." Lina/Zel smiled grimly.  
  
"Fine, of course, the board game didn't fare so well, but that's to be expected when Lina's playing." He said. Zel/Lina blinked.  
  
"Hey, I wasn't the one who blew it up, Chimera boy!" she said. Lina/Zel looked her up and down.  
  
"You're Chimera boy, remember?" he said. She growled.  
  
"Do we have to go back to this conversation?" she asked. Xelloss/Filia blinked.  
  
"What conversation?" she asked. Amelia/Gourry took her aside to explain , and she came back more confused than when she left, but that was to be expected, it WAS Gourry, after all. She shook her head, smiled again, and blinked at Filia/Xelloss. Her expression crushed, and turned slightly irritated again.  
  
"Good, I thought you would ruin my face with all that sincerity." Filia/Xelloss said. Xelloss/Filia growled, and said.  
  
"Just make the damn curry." Filia/Xelloss nodded.  
  
"Right away, mazoku mistress!" he said brightly. Filia was irate after that one.  
  
Lina/Zel whispered to Zel/Lina, "You think they'll ever stop throwing these one-liners at each other?" he asked. She shrugged.  
  
"I dunno." She said, "Probably not, unless we stop them." They looked at each other, and nodded.  
  
"So ANYWAY!" Lina/Zel said, because everyone was used to listening to whatever Lina's voice said. Zel/Lina made a gesture towards the curry- making stuff, which, while the rest of them were all screwing around, I.e. arguing, watching others argue, or blinking confusedly at the entire scene, Amelia had collected from the vaguely curry-scented wreckage, and set there. She had also made a fire. (Oh, by the way, the one who was blinking confusedly at the entire scene.. That was Gourry... he ain't too bright) Now that we've finished with the totally obvious asides, back again to the story. Filia/Xelloss walked over to the pile of pots and pans and such, and began working very quickly. He tied an apron with a fish man on it on himself, covering up most of the dominatrix outfit, AKA Naga costume (TM) and making the men.. er.. women, er.. well, most of the people in the Slayers vastly more comfortable. Actually all of them.. Clearer? Anyway. Filia/Xelloss was busy cooking curry under the watchful eye of Xelloss/Filia, who didn't know how to do whatever Xelloss was doing, but still shouted out suggestions every few seconds.  
  
"Geez." Lina/Zel murmured to Zel/Lina, "If I didn't know better, I'd think they were an old married couple.." he said. Of course, he was unknowing of the ability of the gods and monsters to hear anything said about them within a certain range when it was about marrying the opposite race. (So it's a specialized talent! It's not like they use it every day!)  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT????" they both said very loudly, Xelloss opening both of Filia's eyes in shock and outrage.  
  
"Marry him, no way!" Xelloss/Filia shouted, pointing at Filia/Xelloss with her mace.  
  
"Marry her, no way!" Filia/Xelloss shouted, pointing at Xelloss/Filia with his staff. Their eyes widened, and they stuck out their respective tongues at each, except backwards, (and by this time you know what I mean!) then faced away from each other and simultaneously crossed their arms. A beribboned tail popped out of Filia/Xelloss', once again, nonexistent skirts. Zel/Lina once again took control of the situation, as she always does.  
  
"Amelia, you supervise Xelloss. Filia, you, um.. Sit." She said, and She did, for lack of something better to do. Wow, this fic is becoming really boring. Better add something to spice it up, eh? Just then, out of absolutely nowhere..  
  
"Valgaav-sama and I will vanquish you, Lina Inverse and your freakish horde!" Jillas yelled, simultaneously exploding a billion bombs in that oft- used-in-TRY piece of stock footage.  
  
"FREAKISH??" Lina/Zel said, taken aback. Of course, if he had been in his own body, he would have taken immediate action. He wasn't, however, in his own body. He instinctively drew Lina's sword. He then glanced at it as if it was a toothpick, which it kinda was, in comparison to Zel's blade, which is really awesome, but doesn't have a name. Anyway. He motioned for Lina to give him his sword, while Valgaav stood there filing his nails. Why does this happen? Let's ask Filia. Xelloss/Filia blinked.  
  
"Oh, that? That's just following rule number three of good guy/bad guy shows, and movies. While the protagonist is preparing, you cannot attack. The same reason Sailor Moon is never attacked while she's doing all that fruity spinning and twirling, same reason that Gaav didn't just magically appear in Seyruun and kill off Lina and the others in Next. It doesn't follow the rules." Thank you Filia-Ryuzoku-sama, for that wonderful speech, and once again as the author gets sidetracked, we return to the story. Zel/Lina nodded, and handed Zel his sword, which he promptly dropped, as its amazing largeness is too big to be held by such wimpy Lina- arms. He growled.  
  
"Oh, screw it, Ray Wing!" he shouted, lifting himself up to a position to successfully do a, "Dynast BRASS!" He had almost finished the dynast brass before he realized that he had no reason to take offense, at this particular point in time. He was a fine, healthy beautiful.... Man in a woman's body. As that fact finally hit home for Zel, he became increasingly angry. For once in who knows how many years, he gets to be human, and what happens? The human happens to be female, and worst of all, LINA! He said as much.  
  
"For once in a hell of a long time, I get to be human, and what happens? The human happens to be female, and worst of all, YOU!" he said, pointing to Himself/Lina. Lina took umbrage at that remark.  
  
"Hey, it's no picnic for me being male and. made of stone.. SO SCREW OFF!" Zel had neglected to pay proper attention to aiming his dynast brass, so all that happened was Jillas and Valgaav flying into the rubble and having swirly-eyes, but he didn't notice that.  
  
"Yeah, well, at least you don't have breasts!" he fumed.  
  
"Well, as Gourry is so fond of reminding me, I don't, so obviously I'm having a better time in this body than I thought." Amelia/Gourry blinked, a totally vacuous expression on Amelia's face.  
  
"Hey, where do I get dragged into this one?" he asked.  
  
"JUST SHUT UP, GOURRY!" they both shouted. Oh, no, the mace-sama disease is catching. Looks like we need a fast ryuzoku cure to me. or in this case a mazoku cure.  
  
"People, let's calm down!" Xelloss/Filia shouted, "No need to get all upset at this point in time, Xelloss is already working on a cure.. or whatever." She said, eliciting dirty looks from Zel as to calling it 'cure' and no doubt cursing it. Valgaav rose, eyes no longer swirly.  
  
"LINA! I don't know what the hell is going on around this fucking crazy place, but I'm gonna kill you anyway!"  
  
"AHH! DON'T DO THAT!!" Zel/Lina shouted. Valgaav blinked.  
  
"That's a little odd." he murmured.  
  
"Yeah, don't kill me!" Lina/Zel said. Valgaav nodded.  
  
"Pleading for mercy will do you no good whatsoever.." he said.  
  
"Hey, screw you, what about my body?" Zel/Lina said. Lina/Zel blinked.  
  
"We don't really believe he'll kill us, do we?" he said. Zel/Lina thought on that.  
  
"I don't think so." She said. Valgaav was now almost as confused as Gourry usually was. He set his fast mazoku mind processes to working.  
  
"ALL FINISHED!" Filia/Xelloss called. He held up a steaming plate of curry, guaranteed NOT to kill a golden dragon. Valgaav was still pondering as Jillas rose and tugged at his cape.  
  
"Valgaav-sama," he said, "Valgaav-sama." he insisted. Valgaav frowned.  
  
"What is it? I'm thinking." he said.  
  
"I think they're gonna-" Whatever the cute little beastman was about to say was blown away by a very large Indian spice-scented mushroom cloud.  
  
When the reddish dust cleared..  
  
"YAY!!!" Lina Inverse shouted, back in her own body, "I'm so happy to be a red-headed sorceress with a severe 'tude again. Hell, I even missed my breasts!" She shouted happily. Zel sat up. He looked down at his own body. He blinked with a dry expression.  
  
"And I'm a chimeric freak again.. Joy." He said. He sighed, "Well, at least I'm male." He said. Lina frowned prettily.  
  
"Oh, Zel, you know we love you!" she protested, "Speaking of which, where's Amelia?" she asked. Just then Amelia revived. She looked down, almost afraid to believe.  
  
"YAY!!" she shouted, when she saw her own body before her, "I am woman! Hear me roar!" she then proceeded to jump to the highest point and give a prolonged speech about the dangers of non-justice and eating unfamiliar foods with ancient evil spells on them. Just then Gourry sat up.  
  
"Have we changed back yet?" he asked. Lina nodded. He blinked, "We have? But I-" he then looked down, and noticed that he was still wearing the Lala-chan dress. He screeched almost as shrilly as Amelia had. Lina plugged her ears.  
  
"OW! THAT'S REALLY LOUD GOURRY!" she shouted. He nodded, and stopped.  
  
"Amelia, where did you put my clothes?" he asked. Amelia was still on the tall pole, proclaiming her justice to the world,  
  
".. and don't forget to check the date of milk before you drink it, or something vastly horrible might happen, and.. What? Oh, Mr. Gourry, oh yeah, I put it, you know, in that one bag.. thing." Gourry stalked of to where that one bag thing was, grumbling 'Peach blossom pink..' under his breath. Lina giggled. Just then, Xelloss awoke, and well, grinned.  
  
"YES!" he screamed. Who knew the fruit would be so happy to be male again. Or maybe just so happy that he could go back to his mistress and apologize for whatever Filia said. Filia jumped up, vein standing out on her forehead.  
  
"If you ever, ever, ever, ever, do anything like that to me again, or even mention this, I swear to god that I will find some way to hurt you." She said in a serious voice. Xelloss smiled brightly, and said simply,  
  
"I'm glad you like that outfit so much, Filia-chan, I designed it myself." Filia looked down and turned eight shades of blue when she realized that the Naga costume (TM) was still advertising its sluttiness on her body. She grabbed her mace-sama from the ground where Xelloss, when he was her, had dropped it, and stalked off to change into her usual outfit. Xelloss giggled very Xelloss-y, and then giggled again, just to hear his voice do it. He hovered in the air a few inches above all of their heads, yawned, and said.  
  
"Well, my dear dear friends, I must be going, very important business.. elsewhere, so, Ja, I'll see you later!" he said, smiling and warping out. Lina sweatdropped.  
  
"You know, sometimes he just gets too fruity to stand." She said. Zel nodded.  
  
"I know what you mean.." he said cryptically. Gourry came back out, in his usual uniform, growling under his breath as he took sandpaper to his nails.  
  
"Mr. Gourry, don't, you'll ruin it!" Amelia shouted. Gourry nodded. Filia returned, her usual uniform on, smiling forcedly, as she took out a hot pot of tea and drank some.  
  
"Shall we go, minna?" she asked shakily. They rest nodded. They walked off into the somewhat near, but not quite, setting sun. Just behind them, a rustle was heard. Valgaav sat up, staring after them. However, something wasn't right. He felt his face, and noticing that he was. furry.. and had an eye patch, he whirled very quickly. There was laying his own body. His scream was shrill, and pierced to the very bone all who were within a mile.  
  
Meanwhile, over tea in the mansion of Zellas Metallium,  
  
Xelloss shuddered.. Goose pimples were raising on his arms.  
  
"Did you hear that, ma'am?" he asked his mistress, who shook her head. He smiled, "Well, I think a certain traitorous mazoku is getting his just desserts." he murmured under his breath, smiling. We'll leave you with that pleasant scene, as we say goodbye to this odd chapter in the fanfic lives of people who aren't really alive. ^_^ Though we wish they were.  
  
  
  
Author's end note: All right, I'm very sorry that I played Valgaav very out of character here. I have every respect for green haired Valtiera-chan, I just needed him this exact way for this fic. Vengeful, blinded by quest for vengeance. I portrayed him as a little kid. Gomen nasai to any Val fans I might have offended, including my own self. I really do love Val-chan.. ::Huggles him:: 


End file.
